Welcome to episode three of the Halt, Help, Heal from domestic violence podcast. The Halt Help and Heal from domestic violence is a podcast where we talk about issues related to domestic violence and adverse childhood experiences. This podcast is from Saathi of Rochester, a nonprofit organization that helps victims of domestic violence who are from south Asia.

[Deepthi]

A warm welcome to all of you listening to the show. 

Before I continue further, I want to issue a trigger warning. In this episode. I am talking to a child sexual abuse survivor. The content and discussion in this episode will engage with child abuse. It may be emotionally challenging to engage with. So if you are not able to deal with those emotions, please stop listening and talk to a counselor or somebody you trust. When you’re ready to listen to this, you can always come back. But we do not want to re traumatize you today. 

We have Iram Gilani with us as a guest of this podcast. Iram is a Pakistani American author who has faced abandonment, physical and emotional abuse, homelessness and a violent gun assault. She has risen from the depths of depression and post traumatic stress disorder to be a voice for the abused and marginalized. She speaks to audiences to raise awareness of the personal and universal effects of trauma as well as how to develop others overcome it. In addition, she mentors young men and women throughout the US on how to make positive choices and find their paths in life. She completed her education at George Washington University

Hello Iram, how are you doing today?

[Iram]

Hi, thank you so much for having me. I am doing great.

[Deepthi]

So tell us a little bit about your book, SILENT NO MORE.

[Iram]

Sure. So silent no more, is a book that was published last year in March 2020 And the book itself is split into three distinct parts, the first part of the book, which is the first few chapters.  It pretty much highlights my own personal traumas. Some of them you have already mentioned, that includes abandonment, neglect, isolation, molestation, physical and non physical abuse, a forced marriage, bullying, homelessness, post, post traumatic stress disorder, and of course the gunshot wound that shattered my jaw. And I have included pictures from some of these abuses in my book as well as on my website IramGilani.com. So that pretty much concludes the first section of the book. The second section of the book focuses on the changes I have personally made to get myself out of any of my unfortunate circumstances. I have shown reader readers what they can do on their own to follow a positive path to self help and healing. I have somehow detailed some of my personal techniques more so that I’ve used just everyday simple changes that people could do that could help with recovery. And I hope that those changes could be followed by others so they can also overcome their own traumas. And then the last part of the book, I have dedicated to those who do not know anything about trauma or abuse and they are those fortunate kind who have never experienced anything and I’m pretty much laying the ground for those individuals that they can understand what trauma is and how to be help to those who are suffering from any sort of traumas in their life and how they can become their support. I offer advice on how to approach those individuals, how to extend help and provide continued support, which is most critical part of any recovery. And that pretty much concludes the book itself and how it’s broken down.

[Deepthi]

Let me say, enduring even one of these abuses you have encountered in your life, is something nobody should ever have to go through. But you endured so much in your life as you lay out in your book. But you have the grit and resilience despite all of this and which is rare, I want to acknowledge that at the beginning. So your book Silent No More; how did this come about? What prompted you to write this book and go through some of those memories again. 

[Iram]

It was definitely difficult to have to relive things that you as a trauma survivor, you know, put so much emphasis on forgetting. So having to relive those is definitely not an easy thing to redo, but I wanted to write this book to empower others. There are many of us who take heavy steps silently and completely by ourselves, you know, bearing all the burden and trauma and blame. And I was hoping that by writing this book, I will inspire others to unburden themselves from the weight of carrying it all alone. I wanted those who are suffering to know that they’re not alone, I understand their pain because I have stood in their shoes, to help them regain their strength and overcome their unfortunate circumstances. I have shared some very personal techniques that can that they can implement in their lives to realize a positive change. In addition, I have dedicated a section of the book to focus on those who have been privileged enough, as I mentioned before, to not have experienced any trauma and abuse. I realized there are many of us on both ends of the spectrum that lack the understanding needed to receive and provide support. It was critical that I highlight the importance of the role they play with their support and small acts of compassion needed in the healing process for those who are suffering and that is including myself. But most importantly, there is a message of acceptance forgiveness, togetherness and communication, something we all need to feel whole again.

[Deepthi]

Again, that’s a great perspective you bring about how even people who have never experienced trauma have an important role to play and it’s not just about blaming or it is about the wholeness. So I want to go back to how you channeled what you went through, to make it into a message for others and you put it so well, message of acceptance, forgiveness and healing to move forward. So, I want to go into some aspects of your story today. You mentioned that as a child, you suffered from abandonment, neglect, molestation, and your trust was eroded when you were four years old. Let me say that again. Your trust was eroded when you’re just four years. How did your childhood experience affect you?

[Iram] You know that’s a great question. And thank you for asking. Each ongoing incident was a devastation altogether. I suffered from shock and heartbreak and neglect and abandonment and completely felt unwanted as if I as if my existence did not matter to those who are around me And isolating myself, became the only thing that made any sense to me being so young. You just don’t know what to do. So the first thing you do is isolate yourself. You just become quiet, you just become alone. I became afraid of building attachments and trusting others which is something I still suffer from today. Believe it or not. After all these years after publishing this book, after going through everything, I am still struggling to this day to trust others and build those relationships. I struggled to develop my own personality. I became robotic. I became just submissive. I felt that I didn’t have, I didn’t have my own self anymore. And giving others all of me was my only reason to live. And to be honest, these traits didn’t just evaporate with time. They became a prominent part of how I viewed myself. You know, I have questioned, people’s every move. Like if someone was to be nice to me or someone wanted to befriend me or somebody wanted to offer me something, I would be very hesitant and my first reaction would be, what is their motive? Why are they doing the things that they’re doing? And over the years as time passed, and although I’m still suffering from these things, but I started to see and learn that there are people who are good at heart who are willing to help others and be there for those in need without expecting anything in return. I had to learn to trust again. I had to unlock myself from the mindset I carried with me for all those years. So if you are anyone whose trust was eroded as mine, learn to trust again, communicate, express yourself. Not everyone is same and not everyone is with you for the wrong reasons. And I think that is important to understand and acknowledge as you are recovering from whatever trauma that you’re suffering from and or recovering from. 

[Deepthi]

Well, I can see that effects of your trauma are still an ongoing everyday struggle and I want to say that by having the communication with others and writing this book….

Do you want to take a little bit of time?

[Iram]

I’m I’m fine, I’m fine. 

[Deepthi]

We can pause, we can take a few minutes

[Iram]

Uh no, we can keep going. This happens every time. It’s nothing new. I’m fine. Thank you. 

[Silence]…

[Deepthi]

I see that the emotional effects of the trauma are not something that goes away with a short period of time. And I see that you’re working towards it. And in your book, you say your result of your inability to understand and communicate about sexual abuse at that age was part of something that was very challenging. So what advice would you give a younger girl would your advise be different for  a boy. And how would you help them recover a little bit faster by sharing your experiences?

[Iram]

I guess like when we see that there is a trauma that is happening or when we hear that there’s  trauma that’s happening. Our first response and our easiest common response would be to advise the children to seek help speak with someone, anyone. But many times people lack the ability to understand how difficult it could be for a young child. And regardless of their gender, as you mentioned boy, v/s a girl, regardless of their gender, to seek this type of help, they could be afraid. They could be embarrassed. They could be confused and most importantly, they may not even know how to communicate, which was the case in my , you know, with my experience as a child. I had no idea how to communicate, I had no idea how to express myself. So, you know, so you know, well I’m sorry, let me just back up for a second. This is the reason why I dedicated the last part of my book for those, to those individuals who have never experienced it because it is so much easier for someone who is, you know, looking at from the outside in, to say, oh you should have just done this, or this could be done and you know, but the thing is, it’s not as easy as it looks. You know, people have asked me why did you suffer for so long, you know, why now, why did you wait 37 years, which I am now, but you know, it is not as easy as it looks. You know, people think that going through trauma is just something or having to live a hard life is a choice. It’s actually not a choice. You know, nobody wishes to live that kind of life, but not to completely go off the subject here, but you know, it is again, it’s not as easy for a child in this case that we’re discussing to communicate these type of feelings or express themselves, which we expect from being outside for them to do. However, it is critical for adults to step in and speak to children about good and bad touch, you know, different body parts, private body parts. What are appropriate for people to, I guess touch and what not to touch. Building strong connection with children help them feel more secure and comfortable when it comes to communicating with their adult beings, or the individuals that are around them and these circumstances, you know, can happen to anybody. So if you prepare our children and speak with them and communicate with them and help them understand, you know, we pretty much make them much more stronger as individuals. That can help them avoid or hopefully avoid these type of circumstances. 

[Deepthi]

Yes, so one of the things growing up, I used to always cringe was when somebody came to the house and adults said, oh, they want to give you a hug. But I was never told I had the choice to say no, I do not want to hug anybody I had just met. So you’re points about teaching them. What is good touch? Bad touch is something that we all in the community, we have to give more weight to even if it’s a child, even if it’s a four year old. So that’s a very good point that you bring up. From what you shared itt seems like you did not have any support around you or an adult that you felt comfortable to go tell these things that you faced as a child. What would you have wanted adults around you to do or what could they have done to help you? 

[Iram]

Again, I am so glad that you’re bringing up this very point to surface because as I have mentioned before, support the exact word that you have used and that is most critical. I have dedicated 1/3 of my book to that. So, because and the reason why is because it is extremely important in every aspect of your life. So if you really look around and see anyone who have gone through trauma, the only survivors that have come on top that have survived that have become something out of them are those who were given that chance to receive the support. And just as having a support is critical. Not having any support is just as critical because there’s a thin line between life and death for many, many of us who absolutely need it, but can’t get it. And at the end, many of us feel that unfortunately taking our own life is better than living the life that we have because there’s no one around us that is willing to help. So I wanted to just, you know, while we’re speaking of this, there’s two movies that recently watched, which I thought were just a great explanation of this subject. One is the Blindside. I’m not sure if you’ve seen or not, but, 

[Deepthi]

Yes, I have.

[Iram]

yeah, it’s a really good movie where Sandra Bullock is playing the role of a mother of a young man in this case. The man was Michael Oher or  hopefully I’m pronouncing the last name correctly. But, that’s the person they have dedicated this movie too. And you know, he comes from a very unstable upbringing and then he receives support and now, you know, he overcomes it and, and all the traumas and neglect that he has once suffered. He was able to now because of the support that he was constantly getting, from his new mom. He was able to overcome everything and now he’s one of the great football players that we have. Another good movie is the Soul Surfer, which is, which was made for this competitive surfer named Bethany Hamilton who if you guys don’t know, she’s the one who lost her arm from a shark attack and if you really watch that movie, all you see is her family constantly, you know, being there for her, providing her support, practicing surfing with her. So it’s just like they encouraged her to go back to who she was, they made her believe that you know, just because this trauma happened in your life, this is not the end of your life, you can continue and she showed us that she did continue and she she still competed and she still became you know, one of the best surfers that we know, so so the point I’m trying to make is that you know, the similarities that you see in these movies, you know, is to understand how critical support is for those who are suffering. So to answer your questions about what others, other adults in my life or those who are suffering right now. adults in their life could do, the answer is be there for them and not just be there be present because there’s a very misconception between being there and being present. Many times we are around people, but we’re still feeling alone, we still feel like we can’t speak to them. So make sure that if you are that someone, that someone can depend on be there for them, be present, listen to what they have to say, communicate. Again these are the key words here provide care. You know, tell us we’re going to be okay and help us overcome whatever that we’re going through, help us overcome our fears, make us believe that we matter and make us, believe that will be fine. And I think these are the the type of things that we hope that someone can provide to us because when we’re suffering, we really feel like none of these things are being provided. So I’m hoping that that is another message that by reading my book could get to those who are suffering and to those who have never suffered.

[Deepthi]

Absolutely. I say your book not only brings that issue of being there as a support, but also bringing it out in the open and saying, let’s talk about this. And as you say, be present, You don’t have to talk if you just be with that person and say yes, you are an individual and I know I am here for you. I think that’s the first step and I’m glad that the book is raising some of the things and also giving tips. So you talk about how the men who molested you were trusted by family and your family never suspected anything. This is something very common, at least in the south asian community. So what advice do you have for families, for the community? Like what signs should they watch for and how to prevent this from happening? Or how to stand up for a child and be the support. What would you say?

[Iram]

Sure. I think that’s another very good question that you bring bring up because again, that is another issue that we have not probably only in our community, but any community in the world. So, I just wanted to quickly mention this one thing here and then of course I’m happy to answer the question. So in chapter one of my book, there’s a section called what shapes a young child’s heart. And underneath that subtitle the quote that I have chosen was by Rumi and it says “listen to silence. It has so much to say”. And if you really pay close attention to this quote, it told you everything you need to know. For example, one, a person, whether it be a child or an adult is being abused, molested, tortured, threatened whatever that circumstances might be. The first reaction they display is isolation, separation from rest of the surroundings. Quietness like they do not want to talk, they don’t want they do not want to get theirselves involved in anything. And anyone who would care enough to notice would immediately see a difference in their behavior and notice a change which would be an indication that something has happened to this individual. So now giving my own circumstances. Things that I’ve discussed in the book as well and my experiences, I went from being a completely happy, normal healthy child, you know, who lived the perfect first four years of my life, to being completely quiet and isolated. My behavior if nothing else was obvious, should have been a sign to those around me who cared, to think that something is wrong, you know, to say like, okay, she’s no longer herself, she’s no longer laughing, she’s no longer playing with her siblings or the children around. She no longer has the same academic level or academic drive that she did once. Those were the indications that I displayed and I was hoping that someone would see the change in my behavior and know that something was wrong. And this is again where support. I know this is the word I’ve used a million times already. But this is where the support becomes critical because it is, it is the difference between life and death because if you’re around people who are there for your well being, they could notice and come forward. So if you are a parent, a friend, a guardian of anyone who is all of a sudden not themselves anymore. Please talk to them, find out what changed, do your own investigation. I know this might not be the perfect word to use, but find out what’s causing it. You know, ask questions, see when and what caused that person to react a certain way, but most importantly be there for them again. This goes back to the last question. We just discussed, communicate with them, you know, be gentle, provide care. This is something I have repeated multiple times in this interview already because it holds the key to everything. And I think communications, support, togetherness. It just makes you makes or breaks you. So it is critical for us to continue to make sure that these things are happening. These traits are being practiced and forced. So a person who is suffering are you can get the help they need.  

[Deepthi]

Yeah, you put it very well. You started with the code of silence and actually in your silence you were screaming out for help. Adults were not there to or they were not willing to or did not know how to pick up on those. But these are wonderful tips that anyone, whether they are a parent or another adult can actually follow when you see these very distinct changes in somebody’s behavior and as you say, “investigate” and see if there is something going on and if there is an abuse, halt the abuse and or help the victim. So that’s a very important thing that you bring about. If there is one message that you can share with other victims or survivors, what would that be? 

[Iram]

You know, I would want people who are suffering from whatever unfortunate circumstances they’re going through in their life, whether it be physical or non physical abuse neglect, PTSD or anything else to understand that they’re not alone. They are stronger than they know. Don’t give up, keep fighting and believing that things will get better because they will. Moreover, I hope the people who have been privileged enough again goes back to support. To never, you know, who have never experienced abuse of trauma to realize how important of a role they play or can play in the lives of those around them. Please extend your hand and provide support to someone. Anyone who might need it now, more than ever, your kindness can save a life. And that would really be my main message and only message that I’m hoping to deliver to as many people as possible. 

[Deepthi]

Wow, that’s a great perspective. You bring about how even people who have never experienced trauma or even don’t know somebody else is going through trauma. They have such an important role to play. And I think that bringing that together as a community is something that we all need to work on. But my question now is how has writing this book changed how you see your past? Has it changed? Or do you still have them as in separate compartments? 

[Iram]

 Well, by writing this book, I’ve come to understand how amazingly strong we are as humans. Each incident I’ve gone through has made me a better person and although no one should have to go through something that they have to suffer to learn these type of traits, the reward that you that you get from, the challenges that you go through in your life. You know, the tolerance that you gain, The acceptance that you gain. You know, the understanding of others that you gain from, from suffering yourself are going through something yourself. It’s just something that is so amazing and so valuable. And I pray that by sharing my personal experiences, others will be able to inspire, you know, to reach out, knowing that (they can) reach out to me if they want. You know, I am always available and I am more than happy to talk to people, listen to them, provide them any kind of guidance that I can and I hope that they can reach out to me knowing that I can understand some or many elements of their battles. I, you know, for many, many years I fought my own completely alone without anyone present. But together, perhaps we can win the fight.

[Deepthi]  I want to ask you, how can our listeners find your book?

 [Iram] So I am offering my book in the form of ebook and audiobook for absolutely free for anyone who wishes to read it but do not want to spend money purchasing it. You can simply go onto my website, IramGilani.com and request to have both of these, ebook and or audiobook be sent to you via email. My book now is available, in 70 different countries throughout the world and it’s available in all major networks such as Amazon, Walmart, Barnes & Nobles. You can find links to ebook, audiobook and the paper back again on my website which is iramgilani.com. And if anyone wishes to contact me, which I am highly encouraging, especially those who, who are going through something, if you just need to talk to someone, please contact me. I can be reached at contact@Iramgilani.com (which) is an email address. Again contact@Iramgilani.com and I am more than happy to help anyone who needs me for anything. 

[Deepthi]

 I will definitely put those links in our show notes so people can very easily get to it. Iram thank you for sharing your story and the courage you have displayed in sharing what you went through. We know that sharing this will also benefit others. I also want to say that we only touched on a small part of your story and we would love to have you back for another episode where we can talk about the abuse you faced as an adult. I will extend that invitation to you.

[Iram]

Thank you so much for having me today and I would love to come back any time you request. I am always happy and available to assist anywhere I can. So again, thank you for your time.

[Deepthi] Thank you.

{Music playing}

[Deepthi]

 Thank you. Iram for sharing your thoughts about how you felt alone dealing with abuse as a child. And by writing this book, you’re hoping to help others recognize the abuse of children and also how a victim can find strength, confidence and support to deal with the trauma. Our community needs to be engaged in eliminating child sexual violence. And having this kind of conversation Is one way for us to be part of the solution.

[Deepthi] This has been the Halt, Help, Heal from domestic violence podcast. We hope you enjoyed this episode. Please be sure to leave a review on ITunes or any other podcast platform you’re listening to this episode on. If you want to know more about the topics we discussed today, visit saathiofrochester.org/podcast, where you’ll find the show notes.